Why New Year’s Resolutions Make My Life Miserable

GUEST BLOGGER: @brigibaby

I hate January. It’s dark when I go to work in the morning, and dark when I leave at night. Bitter cold temperatures and the constant anxiety of an approaching blizzard don’t improve my mood much. And with the holidays over and nothing to look forward to until St. Patrick’s Day (or Valentine’s day, right boo?), January seriously has nothing going for it. But the real reason I dread this month every year aren’t the short days and snowstorms; it’s the gym. Come January, hordes of people rush to the gym, as if signing up for a membership instantly makes them drop two pant sizes. For the routine gym-goer, January is a nightmare.

Whether you belong to the neighborhood Y, or your city’s bougiest gym, this epidemic will affect you this month. New Year’s resolutions are a gym-goer’s worst nightmare. Everyone makes the same lame list like, “I’m going to drop 10 pounds this year,” and “2012 is going to be my year;” however it’s worded, it has the naïve resolver ending up in the same place; their nearest fitness center.

Earlier this week, my first day back after a nice holiday break, I laced up my sneaks and headed to the gym for a lunchtime spin class. It’s usually pretty crowded, but this time was beyond chaotic. I grabbed one of the two remaining bikes and was pretty pleased with myself…until some chick who didn’t get there in time had to ruin it all. She was all salty about not getting a bike even though her name was on the sign-up sheet. I was thinking “sorry, sister, you snooze, you lose,” and how no one really signs up for these classes anyway… until I saw the owner of the gym come in, holding said sign-up sheet. He asked if anyone was on a bike that hadn’t signed up, and I raised my hand, expecting several other hands to go up. Except mine was the only one, and I was promptly given the boot (okay, the owner and the instructor were very nice about it, and said that I had the first spot reserved for next week’s class, but it was still embarrassing). I get that at some gyms, signing up is mandatory and classes are always at capacity. But I’ve been a member of this gym since March and I’ve never needed to sign up for anything.

Yesterday’s Zumba class was like being on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras; I barely had room to do my salsas and sambas without bumping into someone. Not to mention the late-comers who of course had to squeeze in front of me and block my view of the instructor and the mirror.

I learned my lesson and got to the gym more than 10 minutes early for today’s class. I signed up and staked out a spot in the corner, where no one would be able to infringe on my space. Or so I thought. We’re halfway through the warm-up when this chick waltzes in and sets up shop right next to me. Her legs went on for days…and practically into my head for the cross-kicks. I had to leave the class ten minutes early to ensure I wouldn’t have to wait in line for a shower. And the locker room? I’ve seen more clothes at the Jersey Shore. Yes, it’s a ladies locker room, but please don’t parade around with your unshaved bottom half and ample top half in my face; at least put on your underwear to blow-dry your hair.

Hey, I get it. I want to fit into my skinny jeans and have abs like Gisele, too (a girl can dream, right?). But New Year’s resolutions don’t work; at least not the “lose-20-pounds-by-spring-break” kind. So stop crowding my gym and adopt a healthier attitude – remember, it’s a lifestyle, not one group exercise class, that will make you look and feel your best. Now that the rant is out, I guess I’ll just bide my time until February, when the resolutions are long forgotten and the regulars can enjoy the gym in peace. That, or punch the next person I see smiling for their membership card picture in the face.